


He Just Wanted To Feel Alive.

by 20dollarfobleed



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 08:35:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4131216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/20dollarfobleed/pseuds/20dollarfobleed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He lived for adrenaline, and for the ones who made him feel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Just Wanted To Feel Alive.

**Author's Note:**

> it's a sad oneshot! probably shit because i suck fuck at putting my emotions into writing but oh well

Tyler wasn't like most kids. His parents and siblings knew this, practically from the moment he could walk. 

His fears weren't like most kids, for the only thing he feared was the feeling of numbness. He, once again, unlike most kids, couldn't feel a thing. When all the kids were getting to the age of having crushes, and describing the butterflies they get in their stomach or how their palms start to sweat when they're around their crush, he never felt that.

He had never been so emotionally connected to someone to feel any type of emotion, and felt bad when looking at his family and imagine them dying, not even feeling sad or shedding a tear at the thought. He simply just couldn't grasp emotion.

Tyler hated the fact that his family expected too much from him. They expected him to show emotion, when they know he can't feel anything of the sort. They mock him with their tears of sadness and smiles of joy, shouts of anger and looks of annoyance, all full to the brim with pure, raw emotion. 

All Tyler has is a blank face, void of anything at all.

He wished he could feel anything, even sadness. Because it's better than feeling nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler likes climbing. He likes climbing trees, buildings, rock walls, regular walls, fences, ladders, houses. Just about anything that you can climb, Tyler will find some way to climb it. He often gets scolded for this by his mom, and he still remembers the terrified look on her face when he first climbed a very high tree at about five years old, but who can blame him? Five whole years of feeling nothing.

He likes risking his life. He likes that rush of terror as he's seconds from death, than the rush of relief when he manages to somehow save himself. Bridges and steep cliffs were especially good for climbing when he wants to feel like this.

He first noticed his love for this feeling when his friends went to the carnival around sophomore year.

_"Nah man, no way in hell I'm going on that!" His friends exclaimed, eyes wide at the humongous ride in from of them._

_"Oh come on, it'll be fun!" His other friend said, and Tyler strongly agreed with him. The huge drop appealed to his want for the rush of adrenaline, of sheer terror in his veins._

_"Yeah, let's go!" Tyler added._

_"See! Even Tyler agrees!" his friends pointed out._

_"That's because Tyler is a psychopath! The dude's not afraid of anything!" Tyler's stomach dropped at this realization, finally seeing how careless he was with his own safety and life._

_All he could pay attention to for the rest of the day was how he didn't even look scared in the ride pictures, just very pleased and happy._

 

Tyler snapped out of the memory, paying attention to the board in front of him. It is senior year after all, he needs to get good grades and get into a good college, right?

 _No,_ Tyler thought. He didn't want to have a boring job, he wanted an exciting and daring job, where he could be happy. Not some office job.

 

* * *

 

 

Tyler likes Josh. Josh makes him feel this fluttery feeling that everyone's always talked about. And sometimes Tyler gets up the courage to hold his hand in public, so that's a plus. Also the fact that kissing Josh is like, the best feeling ever, with the fluttery feeling going wild in his stomach, and the fact that Josh actually kisses back. Josh makes Tyler smile, which is something that people have never been able to make Tyler do, so Tyler is pretty much in need of Josh 24/7. That's just how their relationship works.

The only con to Josh was that Tyler thought he cared too much. Josh hated him climbing the stage because he thought it was dangerous, along with his family. His mom had called him many times on tour to tell him to stop climbing the stage, but Tyler can't help it. Josh can't give him the adrenaline that climbing up on a stage, with thousands screaming the lyrics to the song he's singing, and all the screams going beautifully together, and him being the source of it gives him. No one can give him that, and it's something he needs, so he will continue climbing the stage, thank you very much.

The only time Tyler has ever slipped was this one show, it had just snowed in the area, and the stage was very wet. The bars were slippery, and climbing up, Tyler's hands slipped, making him fall a couple bars down, but he quickly recovered. 

He did hear the hitch in Josh's drumming, however, and vowed to never slip again.

 

* * *

 

 

"I don't want you climbing the stage tonight." Josh says firmly from where he is perched on the edge of the couch.

Tyler's eyes snap up to him, eyes narrowing. "Why?" Tyler chokes out.

"Because it's raining, Tyler! I don't want to lose you, I love you." Josh says, his eyes soft and full of love. He walks over and flops next to Tyler, cuddling him. The fluttery feeling returns to Tyler, and he relaxes his tense shoulders. "I love you." Josh repeats, kissing Tyler softly.

"I love you too, and I won't climb. I promise." Tyler mumbles against his lips. Josh smiles and pulls back.

"Thank you." he whispers.

"Time to go, guys!" They hear Mark call from the hallway, and stand up. Josh grabs his drumsticks, and Tyler puts on his mask. The two walk, hand-in-hand to the show.

The first song is Ode To Sleep, and Josh starts it off with his drumming. When his time comes, Tyler runs out on stage, and jumps off his piano, the crowd now wildly cheering at the sight of their favorite singer. Tyler feels the stage high starting to come to him, and smiles behind the mask.

 

The set goes well, the crowd loving them and cheering them on the entire time. The last song is Car Radio, and the crowds screams loudly at the first notes from the piano.

The songs progresses, and Tyler's favorite part is coming. 

But he can't climb, so it will be boring this show. Tyler frowns.

The part draws closer, and then it's here, and Tyler can't help himself.

"I'm sorry, I love you." He mouths to Josh, and begins to climb the stage. He doesn't glance back at Josh's facial expression, just continues climbing the slippery bars. 

He takes one hand off for the crowd, "AND NOW I JUST SIT IN SILENCE." The words ring out, the crowd's cheers becoming deafening, and their hands all mimicking Tyler movements. 

Just like that, Tyler's other hand slips, and he falls. 

The last thing he hears is the horrified screams from the crowd.

 

* * *

 

 

"He didn't mean to do this, he never wanted to die. He was just so desperate to feel something, he risked his life every chance he got. He never thought about the people who cared about him, never thought they would be affected if something were to actually happen to him. The only thing he felt was numbness, you see. He explained this to me one day. He liked climbing things and risking his life for the thrill, for the adrenaline. For the feeling of being terrified, and for the relief when it was over. That's also, I guess, why he dated me. He said that when he first met me, he got this fluttery feeling that everyone always talked about when falling in love, and it was just so different from what he was used to, so he kept me around. I know that he truly loved me, and I also know that I truly love him, and always will. I also will never forgive him for what he did, however. I made him promise to not climb the stage the day uh... this happened. It was raining, the bars were slippery, and I didn't want him falling. Halfway through Car Radio, he mouthed to me that he loved me, and that he was sorry, and started to climb the stage. That's when he fell, and I'll never forgive him for breaking our promise. But I know he didn't want to live, he just wanted to feel alive." 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> rough night.


End file.
